Saturday, November 7, 2015

Surgery or Bust.

My body, or more specifically, a part of my digestive system, has decided to give up. Thanks a lot gallbladder - you fucking wimp. 

It has been pushed to its limits and has just decided to quit on me. Perfect. Quitting body parts makes me feel about a hundred year old.

I understand, gallbladder, I do. The working conditions have not been great. I fed you - a lot, maybe too much. But honestly, have you just discounted every vegetable I’ve ever thrown your way? Do all those salads count for nothing??  The alcohol - yeah, you should probably just be thanking me for that party but no, you’ve decided to stab me instead. And now you’re quitting, shutting down operations. Which would be fine with me, as I hear you’re not that essential anyways, however, your exit strategy sucks. 

I do not want to be cut open, but I have been advised that I either have the surgery or explode. 

“Don’t worry!” they say. “It’s laparoscopic!”

Laparoscopic. I did not understood what this word meant. I thought it meant they would just bust it up with lasers or something. Um no. It just means smaller incisions, but there will still be incisions all the same. Can’t they just suck it out through my nose or something? 

Damn you gallbladder and all of your fits. I thought it was just gas pain. 

Every so often, a horrible pain would creep into my abdomen and spread around to my back. I handled it by writhing around on the floor while the children stomped over me asking me to make them food and Justin gave his only advice, “Abbie, you just need to fart!”

Great advice Justin, except you can’t fart out your gallbladder.

So the gallbladder must go. There is no more hustle in its bile making game. Surgery will soon be scheduled.

Laparoscopic or not, the surgery sounds horrible. Three incisions are made, then in order to reach the gallbladder, they will inflate my abdomen with air. Sounds like a party. Except I’ll be the balloon. And I’ll be passed out. 

The recovery worries me more than the surgery. Unlike my gallbladder, I am essential to operations. I don’t have time to be down. When you see (or smell) my family in dirty clothes you’ll know I’ve gone under. Don’t get me wrong, Justin’s great and he’s even recently learned how to do a ponytail, but he has no idea how to do a load of laundry. 

Note to self: Buy family extra undies before operation. 

Extra note to self: Wear clean undies for operation. 

It is my understanding that if the operation goes well, I could be sent home the same day and I can “recover” at home. That - is - funny. There could blood pouring out of my abdomen and the children would still expect me to find their shoes, help with homework and drive them around. 

Maybe I should just quit. My gallbladder did. Thirty-six years and it’s done. Retired to gallbladder beach or wherever old gallbladders go. Perhaps I’ll put it in a jar and take it home - like a favor from the big surgery party. Who knows, maybe my appendix will be next? I can then start collecting my internal organs like some crazed serial killer. 

I can set them out & threaten the kids.

“Kids, you are stressing me out! You see those internal organs over there? Do you want me to lose another one?”  

“Jack, you better stop that or I’ll sit you in time out next to the gall bladder.”  

Gallbladder, you may soon be gone. But I’ll keep you in a jar, use you to threaten my kids and make sure that you are never forgotten, even if you are a wimp.