Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Disguising the Stank

I had just finished doing a Jillian Michael workout. That means I was lying flat on my back crying. I do one of her workouts about 3 times a week. I perform this miracle in the afternoons in my living room - usually with the blinds wide open. So if you want to see a show - drive on by. Yes, you really just did see my ass go flying up in the air.

So, anyways, I had just finished the workout and was stewing over how it probably was pretty dangerous to ask a woman who is 30lbs overweight to jump into plank position or really just jump at all, when Hadley came in the living room complaining that her ears hurt. Here we go again - between three children, how many ear infections have we weathered? I'd put that number solidly in the millons. Pretty sure thats right.

She had a fever of 103. Her ears hurt, and she was crying in pain. I called our pediatrician and requested an appointment. There was one spot open - just one - and it was in twenty minutes. Really? I was still lying like a puddle of fat in the living room. Not sure I could make this happen - but ok, all right. Let's go.

I peeled myself up off the floor and good gracious, I stunk. No time for a shower. So....I had just a few seconds to decide: wear workout gear and wear the stink with pride or should I try to disguise the stank? I decided to go with stank in disguise. When you're raising three kids and trying to fit a workout into the day, sometimes, you will just have to disguise the stank. So here it is -  a How-To guide on how to disguise stank and get it together in 3 minutes or less.

1. Change your underwear. Not sure about the rest of you, but my ass sweats like it just ran its own marathon. So clean underwear is essential to disguising the stank.

2.  Jeans, T-Shirt and Cardigan - its my go-to outfit, or really my uniform. Now, preferably, these will be clean, but just mildly dirty will do. Throw on a pair of earrings. I figure if there is something sparkly up by my face (aside from sweat) maybe people won't notice the baby barf stains on my shoulder.

3. Pull hair back into a ponytail and hide grease with a wide-head band.

4. Make-up - Forget it.

5. Perfume. Over-do it.

There you have it. A fool-proof disguise the stank plan. Or I thought it was full-proof. We arrived at the doctors office and found a seat in the waiting room. As we walked to our seats, I noticed a teen-age daughter whisper to her mother. Crap, I thought. I do stink. I'm not fooling anyone. I thought I saw a woman glance backwards at me in the parking lot too - I must really stink bad. So, I sat down - simply relieved that we had made our appointment time when in all actuality, I probably could've taken about six showers before we'd be seen by a doctor. I was digging through my purse for some aspirin when the mother of the whispering teen-aged daughter walked over.

"Hey," she whispered. "I just wanted to tell you that you that your cardigan is inside out. Oh and you lost an earring."

I thanked her and made a mental note to amend my disguise the stank plan as follows: Be sure your clothes are right-side out and put in two earrings.

I really blame Jillian Michaels. When I left the house, I was obviously lacking oxygen. I might be pursuing legal action. Her DVD should come with a warning label: Participants in this program might find themselves reeking in body odor and unable to properly groom themselves for at least an hour after workout is completed. Please remain in your puddle of fat position (flat on back on the floor) until you're no longer seeing spots. Disregarding this warning may result in public humiliation.


  1. oh my gosh. this had me ROLLING!!!!! i have been in that type of situation countless times! how about in the middle of my workout someone comes to my door - yeah - i looked so awesome - thank you jillian. love your blog :) it's super awesome!

  2. so funny! her workouts are very hard...but the 30 day shred really did help me get my tummy down a bit (even though I only did about 20 workouts in about 45 days...)

  3. Then my husband reminded me that our daughter was a passenger on the plane with a right to cry. As unfortunate as it may be, it's not the end of the world. Learn More