Thursday, July 26, 2012

How Was Your Trip? - What I Tell My Closest Friends...

Friend: How was your trip?

Me: Well, it was great. We had a really good time. The kids did about as well as could be expected, though it was me who peed in the car.

What????? What are you talking about????

Well, the baby was finally sleeping and I had to go BAD, but I would sooner piss myself than wake that baby so I grabbed a diaper.

What did Justin say?

He was completely horrified. Completely.

And the girls?

They are oblivious to anything not directly affecting them. They are sociopaths, but anyways, turns out that an adult bladder produces much more than a baby's bladder, and I peed all over the place.

Oh holy shit!

No pee! And of course, I didn't pack a change of underwear for myself because I've been potty-trained for 31 years but whatever, I had to sit in piss until the baby woke up, or of course pissing myself would've all been in vain.

This is hilarious.

No, this is disgusting and just to spite me, the baby woke up about ten minutes later.

Well, was the vacation fun?

Oh yeah, we did the coolest thing - we took the girls on a pirate cruise. It was really neat, the pirates totally took care of the kids. The girls had their faces painted, swabbed the deck, had water gun and sword fights. I drank rum punch - a lot of it.

They had a bar?

Yeah and the pirates told us to sit back and enjoy it while they entertained the kids. It was fantastic. They told the kids a story about a pirate treasure and then later they spotted the treasure chest floating in the ocean, and the kids "heaved and hoed" it out of the water. They opened it up and there was all sorts of kids goodies in it. To be honest, I got kind of teary because it was really so magical.

Are you sure it wasn't the punch that was magical?

Well the punch was awesome, but no it was really the sweetest thing to see the kids so excited about the treasure. Oh and did I tell you? My dad, no joke, rented a nacho cheese machine so we had nacho cheese on-tap all week. I was cheesing up everything!

Well I'm glad you had fun.

I really did. 

PCB 2012. Thanks for the good times (and for paying!) Mom and Dad. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Road Warrior

Dear Children,

I have spent the week preparing for battle, and tomorrow the war begins. 

No, not a real battle - not a real war. We're going on vacation.

We're driving - so you should know that we'll be spending about 12 hours in the car. 
How long is 12 hours? Well, the whole day or like 24 Phineas and Ferb episodes.

It's a long time, but you don't have to worry. I've got it covered. 

I've packed bags filled with stickers, movies, games, books, paper, pencils, ipods, and more! 

I dare you to tell me you're bored. Impossible! You're mom is way to awesome to 
let boredom creep into her mini-van. 

Hungry? I've got a cooler packed with your favorites. 

Injured? A spill? Need to toss a wrapper? 
I've got a first-aid kit, a roll of paper towels and a trash container. 

Did McDonalds forget your ketchup? Your straw? I've got that right here.

Piss yourself? I've got extra underwear in the glove compartment.

Are you throwing up? I've got a gun to put to my head. 

I'm ready kids - bring it on. Bring on the fits, bring on the tears - I'm armed for battle. 
You will not defeat me. 
I will win this damn road trip. 
I will win this damn vacation and damn it, you will have fun! You got it? Okay. Let's roll.