Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Oh Holy WHAT?

My parents have attended the same church for the past 30 years. At this point, I think they're pretty comfortable. My dad, perhaps too comfortable.

Last Sunday after we sang the hymn, "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name," the minister asked if anyone had wondered about the obscure biblical reference in the hymn. 

She was referring to the lyric that mentioned the "stem of Jesse's rod." She went on to explain the reference and started to proceed with the rest of the service when my dad decided to pipe up.

Just a crazy old man in a church pew, and
my amused husband ducking out of the way.
He yells from the pew, "Hey - What about the angels having prostates?"



He did not.

Oh dear God, he did.

The minister stared straight ahead. I think she was silently praying for God's help with her unruly congregant. I was silently praying to disappear. 

The minister decided to address him. She explained that the lyric was "Let angels prostrate fall" - meaning to fall before God. The word was prostrate not prostate.

My dad said responded with, "Yeah OK, well whatever."

What concerns me is that Dad is supposed to be on his best behavior at church. If screaming wildly about prostates before clergy is this guys idea of good behavior - what in the world is he doing when left on his own in public?  Mom - you might want to consider a sitter. I know a few good ones I could recommend. 

I'm surprised Dad is still allowed to attend services - between wearing sweatpants to sing with the choir and yelling out about prostates.  I suspect they are now just tolerating him because he provides special music once in awhile.

Hallelujah. Glory be to God and the Prostates. Amen. 

PS. And God Bless Mom. 

Friday, August 10, 2012


The past seven years of raising children has really taken its toll - on my body, my house, my finances, my marriage but perhaps most severely on my mind. 

I need to do some cross-word puzzles or take some fish-oil because I operate most of my days in a complete mommy-stuper.

What is a mommy-stuper? Well, its kind of like a drunken-stuper except it feels more like the hangover than the high-times with drinks. 

A mommy-stuper trying to remember what you walked up the stairs to get while the baby is crying, your phone is ringing and your older kids are cutting up library books to make crafts (yes, this really happened). 

Most days I have trouble remembering what I did yesterday, but I think it's probably because I'm blocking it out. 

Or maybe I had a stroke somewhere along the way and nobody noticed. Maybe it was the day this happened? (Click here if you need help remembering :))

Well, whatever happened to my mind be it the kids or a stroke, I hit a new low this week at the grocery store.

I was grabbing a few things I needed for dinner while pushing Jack in the cart while also playing cars with him and texting. Hence, the mommy stuper.

I grabbed noodles and sauce while running a matchbox car along the shelf. He found this hilarious and clapped his chubby hands everytime I made a "Vroom" sound as I rolled the toy car along the cart. This is the reason why I've kept this kid around - he thinks I'm awesome. 

We made it to the check-out line, and I reached for my debit card to pay for my groceries. I loudly exclaimed, "Vroom!" as I swiped my card through the reader. What the hell? Did I just "Vroom" by debit card?

Clearly I'd lost it.

The check-out woman first looked at me as if I might be dangerous, but then leaned over and whispered, "You know, honey, we have a really good wine selection. Maybe you should grab a bottle."

Guzzle Guzzle Amen. 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Home Run!

I have just won the Blogger World Series! I'm not going to Disney World but I'm pretty stoked. Check it out... Click Here!