Thursday, May 26, 2011

No Inconvenience At All

Yesterday was Hadley's Kindergarten graduation. 

Was I overcome with emotion as I reflected on how much my little girl had learned and how much she had grown? Um no, I was freaking the f*ck out because I had nothing to wear. 

This isn't  a particularly formal occasion, but I thought it would be nice if I stepped out of my jeans/tshirt/cardigan uniform for a night. However, nothing fit me but my maternity clothes and the thought of wearing a maternity dress while hauling my eight-month-old baby on my hip made me want to drink myself drunk, which would probably be frowned upon at Kindergarten graduation.

In an act of delusion and desperation, I opened my "skinny" closet where all of my old clothes live alone and neglected. Once I got pregnant and started showing, which was pretty much as soon as that stick turned blue, I moved my maternity clothes into the hall closet so I wouldn't have to look at the clothes that would not longer fit me. I looked at this as a pre-emptive strike in the event of post-pardum depression. 

I've been wearing clothes out of that fat closet for nearly a year now. So, I thought that possibly I could make something in my "skinny" closet work for the evenings event. I think I was about 25lbs too early.

Could I wear my pajamas?

What was the point of this graduation anyways?!?!?!? Of course I'm proud of Hadley but let's face it - unless your kid is the one sniffing glue, he's going to pass Kindergarten.

What was most depressing about my trip into my "skinny" closet was that I was forced to face something that I knew but didn't want to think about: I have no clothes for summer - NONE.

Last summer my eggo was preggo (who doesn't love Juno?) - and the summer before that I was 25lbs lighter. Oh what's a chubby girl to do?

I know what you're thinking - "Good lord lady - have you been sniffing the glue? Just get some new clothes!"

But as of now, I refuse to spend money on clothes that I'm pretty much counting on Jillian Michaels to shrink me out of. 

So ....I decided to go to Wal-Mart, whose slogan should really be Cheap Clothes for Chubby People. However, they had nothing for me but frustration. 

Therefore I hauled the baby and Cameron, the 4-year-old, to the department store across the street, where I knew I'd spend more money but had decided at this point it was worth it.

I had a few options and took them into the torture chamber, I mean dressing room, to try them on.

Of course, right on cue, Jack made that face. You know the face - the one where your baby takes a gigantic crap at the most inopportune time and he seems to think he did something great.

I said aloud, "Oh great - the baby just pooped."

"Oh gross!" Cameron screamed.

And with that, Cameron swung open the door and ran out of the dressing room at full speed leaving me with too tight pants down around my ankles and several elderly women starring at me in my underwear. 

I stepped out of the pants - threw on my jeans - all with the door wide open. I turned that stroller around and ran out after Cameron.

I found her, resisted the urge to beat her, left the store, changed the diaper in the mini-van, and went home. I figured I could squeeze myself into a skirt that almost fit - go to the graduation and just not sit down.

An hour or so later, Hadley came home with this note:

Inconvenience? I just bared my ass to the elderly. inconvenience at all. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Why I'll Miss Oprah

   I'm gonna miss Oprah for one reason: No more fat women on TV. 
   Sure, you might see a few overweight women here & there, but none of them are as powerful as the mighty Oprah. 
   To be fair, Oprah's not always fat, and that's really part of her charm. Her fluctuating figure and her candidness about her weight struggles has endeared her to woman everywhere. If Oprah, a woman who has every resource in the world available to her, can't get her ass in shape - really, what hope do the rest of us have? If Oprah can't get it together, I think we must not be so damn hard on ourselves. Remember this if you're ever feeling down about your weight: Oprah's fat - I can just relax. 

   But God bless the woman for trying and showing up on TV everyday with the whole world watching as her weight yo-yos. I feel self-conscious about my weight simply going to pick my kids up from school, so kudos Oprah for exposing that ass to a national audience for 25 years. For that alone, you are truly an inspiration...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Fever, Funny or Die

I've had a fever for two days now. I don't feel particularly sick. I just have a fever and perhaps some minor brain damage as I'm finding it near impossible to form a complete sentence, which isn't always necessary for my blog, but its helpful. 

Because I'm not really up for sharing much, I thought I'd direct you all to something pretty great I found over at Funny or Die. Check it out:

Saturday, May 21, 2011

My Bucket List

Okay, since I've got like - what? - four hours until the end of time, I've got some things I've got to do.

1. Find Jason Morgan, my hot crush from General Hospital, and make it happen. Sorry dear, but in the event of pending global chaos, something about being in the arms of Jason, the mob's toughest enforcer, just makes it all seem all right.

2. I need to head to Noble Romans and eat my weight in breadsticks. If I make the rapture cut, not sure if they'll have those delicious dough sticks in heaven, and if I'm left behind, well, I'm not going to count on them being open through the apocalypse.

3. I've got to fit in the remaining episodes of Friday Night Lights - I can't face eternity not knowing if my beloved Tim Riggins ever gets sprung from the clink.

4. I must put on a fresh pair of underwear. Not sure why - ask my mom. She's the one who was always telling me that it was important to have on clean underwear in the event of an accident. I can just hear her now, "The rapture is this evening young lady, you'll want to make sure you're underwear are clean." I could be on the side of the road with blood gushing from my head and that woman would be worried about my underwear.

So with the devil ready to make his run here on earth, please find me wearing clean underwear in the arms of Jason Morgan watching Friday Night Lights and eating Noble Romans breadsticks. Sounds like heaven to me. ;)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bunco Bound...

I might be a really bad mom. Hadley has her first T-ball game tonight, and I'm not going. Now, you might think that I must have something really super important to do in order to miss this game but no, I'm just going to play Bunco. 

Bunco is a dice game that I play once a month with a group of girls - its kind of a "girls night" type thing. Justin, being a saint of a father, has agreed to haul all three kids to the ball field while I go off a gambling. Yikes, when I say it like that it sounds even worse than I thought.

What kind of a mother does such a thing? Well, I'll tell you. The type of mother who is with her kids all day long, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. The type whose day today included getting a haircut with her shirt inside out while a baby with a poopy diaper sat screaming on her lap. The type that doesn't get much of an opportunity for a break and when she sees one, hell, she's smart enough to take it.

Now before you think I'm a monster, I will admit there is something in my heart that breaks a little when I think of her standing at the plate getting ready to take a swing and me not being there to see it, but then I consider that she has eight more games to play and then don't quite feel so bad. This isn't her first year playing, and I didn't miss any games last year, despite being all huge and pregnant, so I'm going to give myself a pass tonight. Hadley won't miss me - her dad will be there with both sets of grandparents. I'm pretty sure she likes all of those people more than me so she's all set.

Hadley runs the bases during a 2010 T-Ball game
while mother cheers wildly in the stands.
Good luck tonight dear Hadley - you'll be great. And Justin - good luck to you too - you're gonna need it - sucker!!

PS. To make sure I'm a shoo-in for the worst mom of the year award, I just had to take a few bucks from the kids piggy banks so I'll have enough cash to play tonight. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

America's Most Wanted

Yesterday's blog post got me thinking, and I'm pretty sure I could make a case to have my kids incarcerated. Yes, I'm quite certain that I could make the following charges stick:

1. Attempted Murder
Not a day goes by that one of my children doesn't attempt to kill the other one. 

2. Indecent Exposure
My four-year old is particularly guilty of this crime. Whenever she has to go to the bathroom, she's likely to drop her pants and announce that she has to go thereby exposing her bare butt to innocent bystanders - which leads us to....

3. Public Urination
When it comes to this crime, I'm afraid that I could be charged with aiding and abetting as I think necessary to teach the girls how to cop a squat...because you just never know...

4. Theft
Ummmm, where are my pens? Where's the tape? Who took my grocery list? Where's my necklace? Where's my sanity?

5. Destruction of Property
Damaged property includes: two lamps, the carpet, the couches, one recliner, my clothes, pretty much all walls - oh and my body 

6. Stalking
In a futile quest for peace of mind, I've found it necessary to sometimes hide from the little criminals. I spend a lot of time hiding in the bathroom and lately I've tried ducking into the minivan - which works until they climb on the hood & suddenly I'm the star of what feels like my very own horror movie.

I've concluded that all children are pretty much born menaces to society and it is simply, or not so simply, our job as parents to tame what seems to be innate criminal impulses before we release them into society.

So to all you moms out there - good luck. Here's hoping your kid lands on the right side of the law or at the very least is just charged with a misdemeanor.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Public Enemy #1

Unfortunately the time has come where I'm probably going to have to take out a restraining order against my son. See, the little guy is obsessed with me. He stalks me day and night. During the day, he holds me hostage as I'm not allowed to leave his sight. If I attempt to leave, the verbal abuse starts - incessant screaming. And now - he has expanded his reign of terror to include night time hours as he wails through the monitor more times than should be legally acceptable.

;)  ;)

Friday, May 13, 2011

Sleep Baby Sleep

Jack was wailing through the monitor at 4am this morning, which is never a welcomed noise. However, it was particularly unwelcomed this morning as I had stayed up until midnight watching reality tv with a few glasses of wine.

I hauled myself into his room, hoping that a bottle would be enough to put him back to sleep. No such luck. The little guy was all smiles - up and ready to go. 

This felt like hell. A few short months ago, four hours of sleep would have been amazing, but once you get used to your baby sleeping through the night - its incredibly difficult to adjust to 4am wake-up calls.

I was sitting in the recliner holding him when I remembered reading something about how yawning is believed to be a biological function of the body used to subliminally sync people in rhymthm with one another. 

So, I decided that if I faked yawning that it might trigger a sleep response in the baby. So I yawned and yawned and yawned again. Well, it seemed to be working - on me anyways. During my performance, Justin, on his way to the bathroom, peeked into the room.

"Is he going back to bed?" Justin asked.

I told him I was working on it by yawning. He seemed confused and a little skeptical.

Well, dear husband, I'll have you know that it worked like a charm. Two and a half hours later - that baby passed out cold.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Dirty Laundry

When we moved into our little castle on 9th street four years ago, I placed a little piggy bank in the laundry room. Since then, I've done more than just a little laundry but along the way, I have collected coins that have been forgotten in pockets and deposited them into my bank - thinking that I'd use this money to reward myself for a job well done.

Today, approximately four years since making my first deposit, I decided to empty my bank to see what I had earned. I momentarily flashed back to all the stained onesies, dirty sheets, dirty underwear, stained T-shirts and all of the other things that I'd laundered over the past four years and readied myself for my reward.


Yeah, um, five whole big ones. So, that's been like what? A $1.45 a year? Three cents a week?

See ya later family. Thanks for the good times but I've got myself a better paying gig in a sweat shop.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Today, the girls and I finally got around to making the Shrinky Dinks Hadley got for her birthday.

Cameron colors her Shrinky Dinks while explaining the workings of the male anatomy.
While we were coloring, Hadley asked, "How are they going to shrink?"

"We're going to put them in the oven," I answered. "They shrink when they get hot."

"I thought they shrunk when they got cold," Hadley responded.

Before I could answer, Cameron chimed in.

"OH!!!" she exclaimed like she had something amazing to offer. Though I'm not quite so sure I'd call it amazing as much as disturbing.

"Like Jack's penis!" she says. "Like how Jack's penis shrinks when it gets cold."

Ok. I'm going to take away from this conversation just two things:

1. I need to be more considerate of what I say around the kids unless I want Cameron explaining shrinkage to her preschool friends, and...
2. ...I need to warm up the little fellas bath.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Based on Your Recent Selection...

I logged into my Netflix Account this morning and found that based on my viewing history, Netflix has recommended the following films:

Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids
Easy A
Boyz N the Hood
So apparently Netflix believes I am an overweight slut with a bunch of kids who is struggling to get out of the hood. Thank you Netflix. You nailed it.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Pants on the Ground...

Today with a pep in my step, I bounced up the stairs carrying the laundry. As I went up, my pants fell down - all the way down - around my ankles.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Yes!!!!! I am getting skinny! I am getting skinny!" I thought. I must clarify that "skinny" to this Armenian girl means a size 10 or 12.

Now, is it worth mentioning that I just had the stomach flu for the past 24 hrs? I think not. My pants don't fit & that is reason to celebrate.

Is it also worth mentioning that my pants had this label? Yeah, probably.

No matter. I would still like to thank God and the stomach flu for small victories. Now, if I can just get the stomach flu once a month or so, I might get back into my pre-pregnancy pants. See ya later folks - I'm off to lick carts at Wal-Mart.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Down with Disease

I woke up this morning to the sound of someone puking - LOUDLY. It was Justin - he was clinging to the rim of the toilet for dear life.

I promptly quarantined him in the back bedroom. Justin either had the stomach flu, and I would protect the rest of the family with Lysol, or perhaps I had poisoned him with last night's chicken. I couldn't quite be sure.

However, as the day has pressed on, my stomach has become more and more uneasy. I'm now calling it. The food poisoning theory has been defeated (please, like the chicken would be undercooked - I burn the hell out of everything) - the stomach flu has won. I'm afraid that Lysol could not protect me and I am going down with the ship.

You'll have to excuse me for awhile - I now have a date with the toilet.

Stay well blog readers....

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Disguising the Stank

I had just finished doing a Jillian Michael workout. That means I was lying flat on my back crying. I do one of her workouts about 3 times a week. I perform this miracle in the afternoons in my living room - usually with the blinds wide open. So if you want to see a show - drive on by. Yes, you really just did see my ass go flying up in the air.

So, anyways, I had just finished the workout and was stewing over how it probably was pretty dangerous to ask a woman who is 30lbs overweight to jump into plank position or really just jump at all, when Hadley came in the living room complaining that her ears hurt. Here we go again - between three children, how many ear infections have we weathered? I'd put that number solidly in the millons. Pretty sure thats right.

She had a fever of 103. Her ears hurt, and she was crying in pain. I called our pediatrician and requested an appointment. There was one spot open - just one - and it was in twenty minutes. Really? I was still lying like a puddle of fat in the living room. Not sure I could make this happen - but ok, all right. Let's go.

I peeled myself up off the floor and good gracious, I stunk. No time for a shower. So....I had just a few seconds to decide: wear workout gear and wear the stink with pride or should I try to disguise the stank? I decided to go with stank in disguise. When you're raising three kids and trying to fit a workout into the day, sometimes, you will just have to disguise the stank. So here it is -  a How-To guide on how to disguise stank and get it together in 3 minutes or less.

1. Change your underwear. Not sure about the rest of you, but my ass sweats like it just ran its own marathon. So clean underwear is essential to disguising the stank.

2.  Jeans, T-Shirt and Cardigan - its my go-to outfit, or really my uniform. Now, preferably, these will be clean, but just mildly dirty will do. Throw on a pair of earrings. I figure if there is something sparkly up by my face (aside from sweat) maybe people won't notice the baby barf stains on my shoulder.

3. Pull hair back into a ponytail and hide grease with a wide-head band.

4. Make-up - Forget it.

5. Perfume. Over-do it.

There you have it. A fool-proof disguise the stank plan. Or I thought it was full-proof. We arrived at the doctors office and found a seat in the waiting room. As we walked to our seats, I noticed a teen-age daughter whisper to her mother. Crap, I thought. I do stink. I'm not fooling anyone. I thought I saw a woman glance backwards at me in the parking lot too - I must really stink bad. So, I sat down - simply relieved that we had made our appointment time when in all actuality, I probably could've taken about six showers before we'd be seen by a doctor. I was digging through my purse for some aspirin when the mother of the whispering teen-aged daughter walked over.

"Hey," she whispered. "I just wanted to tell you that you that your cardigan is inside out. Oh and you lost an earring."

I thanked her and made a mental note to amend my disguise the stank plan as follows: Be sure your clothes are right-side out and put in two earrings.

I really blame Jillian Michaels. When I left the house, I was obviously lacking oxygen. I might be pursuing legal action. Her DVD should come with a warning label: Participants in this program might find themselves reeking in body odor and unable to properly groom themselves for at least an hour after workout is completed. Please remain in your puddle of fat position (flat on back on the floor) until you're no longer seeing spots. Disregarding this warning may result in public humiliation.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Celebrities...They're Just Like Us

Yeah, I breastfed my babies just like this....except my heels were black.

Victoria's Secret Model, Miranda Kerr.

Kidding. When I breastfed, I kind of looked something like this: