Potty Time

My mom has been running our church's vacation Bible School since I was a little kid. She loves it, and though I don't share my mom's crazy enthusiasm, I'm willing to help her out. 

I think her long-term plan is to hand over the Bible School duties to me, but unless Bible School can be about a week late and completely half-assed, I think her plan has a few flaws.

This year's theme was A Fishin' Mission and it was held outside. All activities were water-based, and I was excited to get a tan and take some aggression out on my kids by blasting them with squirt guns.

I arrived, well late, and was handed the volunteer sheet (which was made by my mother). 

I was anxious to see my job and hoped that maybe I'd be in charge of the water balloon race or if I was really lucky, the snacks. 

Well, check this out:

Yep, I spent the day being the "Potty Leader" or really the Ass-Wiper. 

Unfortunately, being the "Potty Leader" wasn't much of a departure from my daily life. 

With two of my three children requiring bathroom assistance, I'd probably consider myself qualified for the job.

Being a qualified "Potty Leader" isn't exactly how I saw my life unfolding. Yet ,here I am....my life unfolded in all it's glory  - on a sheet of Charmin. 

Cameron and the Clown

Every now and then, a small family-operated circus will pass through our town. Barnum and Baileys it is not, but it is just down the street, relatively inexpensive, my kids get to sit ring side - they love it.  AND they get to participate.


Hadley was plucked from the crowd by the clown-in-charge to take part in a hula hoop contest with some of his cohorts.  Hadley, who can be shy when faced with big crowds, surprised me when she took part and seemed to enjoy it.


This was quite a milestone for her, and I hopped up to take a picture. I was really proud of her for getting out there!

 Looks like a fun time - right????  Look again....

Cameron absolutely lost her sh*t because she was not chosen to participate. She spent the rest of the circus sobbing and shooting dirty looks at the clown who her ignored her pleas to hula-hoop. This experience has "ruined her life."


Perhaps she had a secret hula hoop talent she was hoping to expose, or maybe she had plans to join the circus and all of her life's dreams are, in fact, ruined?


I'm quite certain that a seed of psychological damage was planted here - a favored sister, an evil clown.......a hula hoop.


Look for the damage to manifest itself in a few years when she's dressing as a clown and smashing all the hula hoops in town. 

Sleeping with the Enemy

Justin is not much of a talker, which bodes well for our relationship as I never shut up. 


Justin simply isn't a chatty fellow - that is, until his head hits the pillow. Justin just doesn't talk in his sleep, he delivers full-fledged monologues. He'll also answer questions and has entire conversations with me that he doesn't remember

I've watched him conduct meetings, host a radio show, and lately, he's been dodging arrows that he believes are being shot through our window.


Its amusing and exhausting. Between Justin's performances, his snoring, and the kids, I don't think I've gotten a full night's sleep in years.

Since I don't sleep much in our bedroom, I've decided that it should at least be pretty - so when I'm staring at the walls listening to the beast roar beside me, I've got a nice room to look at.


I purchased an old armoire and spent a few days sanding and repainting it before I enlisted Justin and his father to haul it upstairs.


Though I had measured the space in the room, I didn't account for getting it into the bedroom. The armoire couldn't make the turn in the hallway - it was just too big. 


After a lot of time, a lot of discussion and many failed attempts, it was called a loss - it just wasn't going to fit.


I was upset, but there was nothing to do done. 


That is until my brilliant father-in-law went home and fetched my kid's toy wooden blocks. He made a mock-up of the hallway/bedroom and worked out a plan to work my armoire into my bedroom.


The next day, my armoire was nestled comfortably in the bedroom and I was filled with joy.


Apparently, my husband was filled with rage.


That night, I awoke to him shouting into his pillow.


"Stupid armoire," he snarled. "It's not going with us when we move...Stupid heavy piece of junk."


I usually ignore sleep-talking but this got my full attention.


"Justin," I said. "Why are you talking about the armoire?"


He turned his back to me, nuzzled down into pillow and said calmly, "Because...Tomorrow -I'm going to burn it."

Scary Baby Buys - Part II

Its been over a year since I wrote Scary Baby Buys and since then I've come across a few more products that make me laugh, gag, or shake my head in wonder - I hope you do the same. Enjoy!

1. The Snot Sucker

I love my children and will do anything to help them when they're sick, but I draw the line at sucking their snot out with a straw. Um, gross. Plus, I'm pretty sure no child is going to sit so serenely while something is shoved up his/her nose. The baby below is clearly drugged...that lady is stoned - her modeling career didn't exactly go as planned. 

2. Sleep Sack

How old is this kid?? Twelve? What in the world is he still doing in a sleep sack??? If your kid can walk and is still in a sleep sack, you might have gone wrong somewhere in the sleep training process...maybe time to review and see if you missed a step.

3. Sucker Dust
Guess what this is? Give up? It's personalized fairy dust. Guess how much it cost? $68. Really....there are no words.

5. Birthing Gown

This isn't just an ugly maternity dress. It is a designer hospital gown. Yep, because you can't just give birth and bleed all over the gown that's provided - that would be be unsightly. For $60 you can bleed all over this one.

6. Hmmmm 
I got a catalog in the mail yesterday pedaling mismatched socks. I have to admit it took me a few minutes to figure it out...but the gist is this: You give them $16 - they give you three socks that don't match! Apparently there is a market for such a thing. Why is it that I always miss out on those million dollar ideas?

7. Probably My Mother's Day Present

I'm a breast-feeding advocate. I breast-fed all three of my children with varying degrees of success. However, this necklace is just every degree of wrong...

8. Baby Cadaver Pajamas 

This is gross Old Navy! My son is made of frogs, snail and puppy dog tails  - not grody organs. Who wants to see their sweet little baby laying in his crib with his internal organs  drawn on the outside. I don't want to imagine my baby as a cadaver!

9. The Suggestive Baby Book

Jack got this book for Christmas, and I know it's supposed to be a finger puppet baby  - but COME ON - that thing looks like a creepy penis. We don't really like wiggling this "baby" at our son.