Lost in The Mail

Today I had to sign a legal document (we're refinancing our mortgage) that declared that I'm worth nothing. That's awesome.

However, I would like to attach an addendum to this document to recognize a study conducted in 2007 by Salary.com that estimated a stay-at-home mom's annual salary at 
$138, 095.


I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a check any day now...

R.I.P. Starfish

We got the girls Beta fish as a bribe for cleaning the toy room. They named them Rainbow and Starfish, respectively.

I prepped the girls regarding their fish's projected lifespan to which they were strangely delighted and dare I say - excited?

They made funeral plans for when their fish would die and discussed how they would decorate their graves. I think they were looking forward to hosting funerals.

So, I wasn't that concerned when we found Starfish belly-up in the bowl. Starfish was Hadley's fish - I should've known better.

She cried (for hours) and blamed herself for not being a good pet owner as she believed she just didn't love him enough.

She also decided that a grave would be too painful look at  - so a good old-fashion flushing would be best. However, now she refuses to use that toilet as it reminds her of Starfish's demise.

She has cleared her room of her stuffed animal fish as they too serve as a painful reminder of her departed pet.

Then as a tribute to Starfish, Hadley said a prayer into a plastic easter egg, sealed it up and placed it inside a cardboard box. She told us that whenever anything dies, she will say a prayer for it into an egg and place it into that box. I'm not sure why she is praying into plastic Easter eggs but last night, I didn't care to ask as her mourning for Starfish consumed most of the evening, and after a few hours of reassuring her that there would be water in heaven for him to swim in, I just wanted her to go to sleep.

Cameron watched Hadley's dramatic mourning of Starfish with a look of mild amusement. She had a half-grin on her face most of the night, and I started to think she might have killed him. I'm kidding. Kind of.

Hadley will be getting a new fish tonight and hopefully that will help ease the pain so she can resume using our toilet.

R.I.P. Starfish - You were a good fish.

Starfish in happier times. 

Reading, Writing and 'Rithmetic...

I've never been very good at Math. 


I've never been able to work the numbers in a way that would produce a correct answer. My mind just never twisted the right way. It just never clicked.


The efforts of many math teachers were met with frustration, apathy, or hostility as I just didn't get it and after a certain point, I just gave up.


I always knew that when I had children that they would eventually reach an age where I would be unable to help them with their homework.


I didn't know that age would be 6.


I was helping Hadley with her homework and she was instructed to make this pattern: circle, square, circle. Then repeat the pattern 3 times. 


So I thought she should draw circle square circle and then repeat - from the beginning - circle square circle. Hadley insisted that she should write circle square circle - and that the third circle counted as the first circle of the second sequence. 

Are you still with me? Really the specifics don't matter, but what does matter is that I had to call three people to double check Hadley's first grade math. 


For the record, I was correct. And there really is no joy in outsmarting a 6 year old. 


Later on....


ME: Justin, I'm in a slump. I have nothing to blog about.


JUSTIN: Why don't you blog about how you got confused helping Hadley with her math homework?


ME: Justin, my god, I don't want to write things that make me look stupid.


Justin shook his head at me and walked out of the room.


I realize I'm no genius, but I'm pretty darn sure I was just insulted. 

Marc Jacobs and McDonalds

When summer began, I had three pairs of sunglasses. I'm now down to one. 


I've managed to hang on to my favorite pair - the Marc Jacob lenses that I bought in Las Vegas. 


These were a clearance rack purchase, but were still easily the most I've ever spent on a pair of sunglasses. I think I was woozy from the Vegas heat, because moms should never wear sunglasses that cost more than $9.99. 


To prove my point....


Today, I was in McDonald's Playland with Cameron and Jack.


We were having a good time in the ketchup/grease-scented bacteria trap, but it was time to go - Jack was crawling up strangers legs and spitting chewed-up cheeseburger chunks. I grabbed my keys, phone and - wait! - where were my sunglasses? 


I looked through the diaper bag, through my purse, under the table and then accused Cameron of swiping them. Suddenly it hit me - they were in the damn trash. I had placed them on the tray and must have tossed them when I was cleaning up.


I handed Jack over to my poor friend (who might now require chiropractic care, as she wasn't used to wrestling the 30lb eleven-month-old toddler man-child) and headed to the trash.


I pulled the can out & well, it was pretty gross. An older woman came to assist me (because she was crazy? I don't know...) and essentially told me to suck it up because if I could care for kids, then I could dig through a trash can. 


I suppose she was right, so I kept digging, and soon I found them - dripping in ketchup and salad dressing. 


As I turned around, I was met by laughing and pointing toddlers who seemed to get quite a kick out of the dumpster-diving side show.


Later, I felt ill. That trash can didn't just contain my sunglasses - I'm pretty sure it contained some sort of chicken-nugget virus. The bird flu, probably. Yes, I'm sure that's it. I now have the bird-flu. Thank you Vegas heat and thank you Marc Jacobs.   


I will hence-forth be purchasing my shades at the Hucks Food & Fuel Station.