Why I'll Miss Oprah

   I'm gonna miss Oprah for one reason: No more fat women on TV. 
   Sure, you might see a few overweight women here & there, but none of them are as powerful as the mighty Oprah. 
   To be fair, Oprah's not always fat, and that's really part of her charm. Her fluctuating figure and her candidness about her weight struggles has endeared her to woman everywhere. If Oprah, a woman who has every resource in the world available to her, can't get her ass in shape - really, what hope do the rest of us have? If Oprah can't get it together, I think we must not be so damn hard on ourselves. Remember this if you're ever feeling down about your weight: Oprah's fat - I can just relax. 

   But God bless the woman for trying and showing up on TV everyday with the whole world watching as her weight yo-yos. I feel self-conscious about my weight simply going to pick my kids up from school, so kudos Oprah for exposing that ass to a national audience for 25 years. For that alone, you are truly an inspiration...

America's Most Wanted

Yesterday's blog post got me thinking, and I'm pretty sure I could make a case to have my kids incarcerated. Yes, I'm quite certain that I could make the following charges stick:

1. Attempted Murder

Not a day goes by that one of my children doesn't attempt to kill the other one. 

2. Indecent Exposure

My four-year old is particularly guilty of this crime. Whenever she has to go to the bathroom, she's likely to drop her pants and announce that she has to go thereby exposing her bare butt to innocent bystanders - which leads us to....

3. Public Urination

When it comes to this crime, I'm afraid that I could be charged with aiding and abetting as I think necessary to teach the girls how to cop a squat...because you just never know...

4. Theft

Ummmm, where are my pens? Where's the tape? Who took my grocery list? Where's my necklace? Where's my sanity?

5. Destruction of Property

Damaged property includes: two lamps, the carpet, the couches, one recliner, my clothes, pretty much all walls - oh and my body 

6. Stalking

In a futile quest for peace of mind, I've found it necessary to sometimes hide from the little criminals. I spend a lot of time hiding in the bathroom and lately I've tried ducking into the minivan - which works until they climb on the hood & suddenly I'm the star of what feels like my very own horror movie.

I've concluded that all children are pretty much born menaces to society and it is simply, or not so simply, our job as parents to tame what seems to be innate criminal impulses before we release them into society.

So to all you moms out there - good luck. Here's hoping your kid lands on the right side of the law or at the very least is just charged with a misdemeanor.