Tuesday, May 17, 2011

America's Most Wanted

Yesterday's blog post got me thinking, and I'm pretty sure I could make a case to have my kids incarcerated. Yes, I'm quite certain that I could make the following charges stick:

1. Attempted Murder
Not a day goes by that one of my children doesn't attempt to kill the other one. 

2. Indecent Exposure
My four-year old is particularly guilty of this crime. Whenever she has to go to the bathroom, she's likely to drop her pants and announce that she has to go thereby exposing her bare butt to innocent bystanders - which leads us to....

3. Public Urination
When it comes to this crime, I'm afraid that I could be charged with aiding and abetting as I think necessary to teach the girls how to cop a squat...because you just never know...

4. Theft
Ummmm, where are my pens? Where's the tape? Who took my grocery list? Where's my necklace? Where's my sanity?

5. Destruction of Property
Damaged property includes: two lamps, the carpet, the couches, one recliner, my clothes, pretty much all walls - oh and my body 

6. Stalking
In a futile quest for peace of mind, I've found it necessary to sometimes hide from the little criminals. I spend a lot of time hiding in the bathroom and lately I've tried ducking into the minivan - which works until they climb on the hood & suddenly I'm the star of what feels like my very own horror movie.

I've concluded that all children are pretty much born menaces to society and it is simply, or not so simply, our job as parents to tame what seems to be innate criminal impulses before we release them into society.

So to all you moms out there - good luck. Here's hoping your kid lands on the right side of the law or at the very least is just charged with a misdemeanor.


  1. can i just tell you how much i love your blog!! and this post made me laugh so hard!! Im a new follower and am so glad i found your blog!!! thanks for the good laugh!!

  2. Thanks! I'm glad you liked it - its always nice to hear!

  3. LMAO!!! I think my daughter would be charged with Attempted Murder for trying to kill my nephew almost every day, Indecent Exposure cause she hates wearing a diaper and will just take it off and run off(she's 21 months not really potty trained all the way), Destruction of property(our walls have unique artwork on them as so do our floors), oh and the Stalking of her mother...she has to know where Im at at ALL times and she doesnt call out mom she calls me by my name JENNYYYYYY...sigh