Temporary Insanity

I was on my way to Wal-Mart  when, as if on cue, the baby pooped. 


I decided to change him on the drivers seat of the mini-van before we went inside. 


As I was changing him, my car door barely tapped a black sporty car parked next to me. As I moved to pick him up - it tapped it again. And it was a TAP - a teeny tiny TAP.


Not a dent or scratch was made, but before I could gather my items to go inside a twenty-something girl emerged from her car and screeched at me:


"YOU!!!" You need to stop banging into my car!" 


She looked like a wild animal that was spewing young stupid girl venom at me. The look in her eyes was half-crazed and there was nothing to do but apologize.


I said I was sorry, and I was. I hadn't intended to tap her car. 


"What-EVER!" she snapped at me and then, without even inspecting her car, she went inside.


I got fired up. 


What a b*tch! All high and mighty in her sporty black car....she has no idea that within a few years she'll have put on about 30lbs and be changing diapers in her own minivan - now that will give her something to be bitchy about.


Then something happened to me - Rage? PMS? Oh wait - this is what could possibly be classified as temporary insanity. 


I took the dirty diaper (before you think I've totally lost my mind, I'd like to clarify that the diaper was wrapped and the poop was contained)  and put it on her windshield. I then put Jack back in his carseat and sped away.


It was a total rush. I suppose this is what happens after staying at home with children for 6 years, you finally crack and start hurling poop at people - kind of like a monkey in a cage.


I called Justin to let him know what I had done.


JUSTIN: Is this the kind of stuff you're out doing while I'm at work?


ME: Well, not everyday.


JUSTIN: Well, what about getting groceries?


ME: Oh, um, yeah, I kind of forgot about that. Wanna go out for dinner tonight?


JUSTIN: Abbie, go pick up the diaper.


ME: Never! No Way!


Click.


ME: Hello???


Ok, was I proud of what I had done? No, not really. 


Was it the nice, right thing to do? Definitely not. 


Did it feel good? Absolutely. I think those poop-hurling monkeys are onto something. 

Lost in The Mail

Today I had to sign a legal document (we're refinancing our mortgage) that declared that I'm worth nothing. That's awesome.

However, I would like to attach an addendum to this document to recognize a study conducted in 2007 by Salary.com that estimated a stay-at-home mom's annual salary at 
$138, 095.


I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a check any day now...

R.I.P. Starfish

We got the girls Beta fish as a bribe for cleaning the toy room. They named them Rainbow and Starfish, respectively.

I prepped the girls regarding their fish's projected lifespan to which they were strangely delighted and dare I say - excited?

They made funeral plans for when their fish would die and discussed how they would decorate their graves. I think they were looking forward to hosting funerals.

So, I wasn't that concerned when we found Starfish belly-up in the bowl. Starfish was Hadley's fish - I should've known better.

She cried (for hours) and blamed herself for not being a good pet owner as she believed she just didn't love him enough.

She also decided that a grave would be too painful look at  - so a good old-fashion flushing would be best. However, now she refuses to use that toilet as it reminds her of Starfish's demise.

She has cleared her room of her stuffed animal fish as they too serve as a painful reminder of her departed pet.

Then as a tribute to Starfish, Hadley said a prayer into a plastic easter egg, sealed it up and placed it inside a cardboard box. She told us that whenever anything dies, she will say a prayer for it into an egg and place it into that box. I'm not sure why she is praying into plastic Easter eggs but last night, I didn't care to ask as her mourning for Starfish consumed most of the evening, and after a few hours of reassuring her that there would be water in heaven for him to swim in, I just wanted her to go to sleep.

Cameron watched Hadley's dramatic mourning of Starfish with a look of mild amusement. She had a half-grin on her face most of the night, and I started to think she might have killed him. I'm kidding. Kind of.

Hadley will be getting a new fish tonight and hopefully that will help ease the pain so she can resume using our toilet.

R.I.P. Starfish - You were a good fish.

Starfish in happier times. 

Reading, Writing and 'Rithmetic...

I've never been very good at Math. 


I've never been able to work the numbers in a way that would produce a correct answer. My mind just never twisted the right way. It just never clicked.


The efforts of many math teachers were met with frustration, apathy, or hostility as I just didn't get it and after a certain point, I just gave up.


I always knew that when I had children that they would eventually reach an age where I would be unable to help them with their homework.


I didn't know that age would be 6.


I was helping Hadley with her homework and she was instructed to make this pattern: circle, square, circle. Then repeat the pattern 3 times. 


So I thought she should draw circle square circle and then repeat - from the beginning - circle square circle. Hadley insisted that she should write circle square circle - and that the third circle counted as the first circle of the second sequence. 

Are you still with me? Really the specifics don't matter, but what does matter is that I had to call three people to double check Hadley's first grade math. 


For the record, I was correct. And there really is no joy in outsmarting a 6 year old. 


Later on....


ME: Justin, I'm in a slump. I have nothing to blog about.


JUSTIN: Why don't you blog about how you got confused helping Hadley with her math homework?


ME: Justin, my god, I don't want to write things that make me look stupid.


Justin shook his head at me and walked out of the room.


I realize I'm no genius, but I'm pretty darn sure I was just insulted.