Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Temporary Insanity

I was on my way to Wal-Mart  when, as if on cue, the baby pooped

I decided to change him on the drivers seat of the mini-van before we went inside. 

As I was changing him, my car door barely tapped a black sporty car parked next to me. As I moved to pick him up - it tapped it again. And it was a TAP - a teeny tiny TAP.

Not a dent or scratch was made, but before I could gather my items to go inside a twenty-something girl emerged from her car and screeched at me:

"YOU!!!" You need to stop banging into my car!" 

She looked like a wild animal that was spewing young stupid girl venom at me. The look in her eyes was half-crazed and there was nothing to do but apologize.

I said I was sorry, and I was. I hadn't intended to tap her car. 

"What-EVER!" she snapped at me and then, without even inspecting her car, she went inside.

I got fired up. 

What a b*tch! All high and mighty in her sporty black car....she has no idea that within a few years she'll have put on about 30lbs and be changing diapers in her own minivan - now that will give her something to be bitchy about.

Then something happened to me - Rage? PMS? Oh wait - this is what could possibly be classified as temporary insanity. 

I took the dirty diaper (before you think I've totally lost my mind, I'd like to clarify that the diaper was wrapped and the poop was contained)  and put it on her windshield. I then put Jack back in his carseat and sped away.

It was a total rush. I suppose this is what happens after staying at home with children for 6 years, you finally crack and start hurling poop at people - kind of like a monkey in a cage.

I called Justin to let him know what I had done.

JUSTIN: Is this the kind of stuff you're out doing while I'm at work?

ME: Well, not everyday.

JUSTIN: Well, what about getting groceries?

ME: Oh, um, yeah, I kind of forgot about that. Wanna go out for dinner tonight?

JUSTIN: Abbie, go pick up the diaper.

ME: Never! No Way!


ME: Hello???

Ok, was I proud of what I had done? No, not really. 

Was it the nice, right thing to do? Definitely not. 

Did it feel good? Absolutely. I think those poop-hurling monkeys are onto something. 


  1. Oh my gosh, you are my hero!!!! I would never have the guts to do that -- I wish I could have seen the look on her face when she found the diaper on her car! You ROCK, and thanks for the great laugh today!

    Smiles, Jenn

  2. I just wanted to tell you that I love this post so much that I Stumbled it for you! He he! Hopefully lots of other folks will stumble upon this and get some great laughs too! :-)

  3. OMG, I'm laughing out loud... hilarious! It's like that movie or was it a tv show? where the older chick keeps crashing into the younger chick's car in the parking lot b/c she stole her spot. HA

  4. OMG Holy crap! I'm reading this in the middle of my class and trying not to bust out into guffaws! It's too bad my kids are already out of diapers, otherwise I might be tempted to do the same thing to the next little chit who gets on my nerves! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

  5. @Allison It was the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" Kathy Bates is my freakin' hero in that one! XD

  6. That is epic. I may just use that myself one day! Good for you!

  7. Thanks everyone!!! I highly recommend "diaper bombing" (as I've decided to call it) to all of you - its a real rush! ;)

  8. YOU are my new Goddess of worship...LOL Love it!!

  9. That is too funny! Too bad my kids are out of diapers...any suggestions for a mom of teens?
    new follower~