From the Road....Fireworks.

In order to vacation, I must spend hours laundering, organizing, packing and readying the house for our departure. Vacationing requires Justin to pack one bag and get in the car.

One week prior to departure...

Justin: I spent $75 on fireworks. I'm bringing them to Michigan. 

Me: What the hell Justin?!?! Do you think you make so much money that we have enough to just set it on fire? 

Justin: It will all be worth it to see their faces. 

He is referring, not to the faces of our children, but rather to the faces of Angie & Ryan Wood, who live in Michigan - where fireworks are illegal. However, the way Justin justifies spending the money, youd think he was delivering food to the starving. 

Two hours into our trip.... 

Justin: Damn it!!! Oh no!! 

Me: What??? What's wrong???? 

Justin: I forgot the fireworks. We HAVE to stop and buy more. 

Then my head exploded.  Ka-f#cking-Boom.

Justin and Jack outside a fireworks store in Martinsville, In.
Shortly after this photo was taken, Jack puked all over Justin - so he was forced to strip down to his white tank top (where I come from, this is called a wife-beater). While shopping in the fireworks store with my husband wearing his wife-beater, the girls started whining for food....And that is how we found ourselves sitting in a Long John Silvers with Justin in a wife-beater holding his bag of fireworks....God Bless America. 

Vacation and Vaginas

Vacation time!!!! Which means I'll spend the next 13 hrs in the swagger wagon with the kids. We sure know how to party.

We're headed here:

Those parts are limited in terms of Internet access so I doubt I'll be posting this week. So, dear readers, I leave you with this - Grandmothers vagina purse:

Be well - 

Peace out Indiana - Word to my Grandmother.

Vodka and The App Malfunction

My iPhone apps like to f@#k with me. Yesterday, I got this alert:

I laughed, nervously, out loud.

Was it kidding?

What in the world? Did we even have sex? 

Oh yeah, there was that night with the vodka sunrises....

I looked back at the calendar - no, according to the app, conception wasn't possible then - unless of course, the app malfunctioned. Can I sue the app? Is there a disclaimer somewhere? Can I sue for child support?  

Or what if the app was right on and it was me that malfunctioned and I ovulated early or something?? What if I really malfunctioned released like 3 eggs and am now having triplets. Damn app. Damn vodka sunrises. 

Worry not. The fact that I'm alive and can write this post is evidence that I am not pregnant. 

If I were pregnant, I could be found at the bottom of the river - as my grandmother told me last week,  "Abbie, you get pregnant again you might as well walk out into the river till your hat floats." 

Was She High?

I recently ran into a girl that I knew in high school who was also a stay at home mom.

The conversation was nice - until this.

Me: Its tough with just one paycheck

Her (in ALL seriousness): Yeah, but we get paid in hugs and kisses.

Me: Uh, huh.

I've heard this said before but never in real life and never by someone who was sincere. I appreciate hugs and kisses as much as the next schmuck but I would also appreciate some cold hard cash.

Though her attitude is sweet, I suspect she is heavily medicated and I think the only reason we might ever hang out again is so I can steal some of her pills.