Jack Update

Jack is now 18 months old and I couldn't be more proud of him. He's a super sweet little boy and doesn't make anything all that difficult - aside from going anywhere or doing much of anything of course.


That being said, he's a bit of a brute. I'm pretty sure he could tackle and kill a wild boar with his bare hands, and I'm also quite certain that if thrown into a Hunger Games arena the kid would emerge the victor. He's a bulldozer.


However, he doesn't speak. He doesn't have time. He has shit to destroy - such as our home and everything in it.


Although I can't be certain as to why my child isn't speaking. I do have some ideas. Remember this? 

If you need a reminder - Click Here: Baby 101

While I'm proud that he can nearly climb a tree, I would appreciate if he could ask for milk rather than screeching while I guess what he needs.


True to his inner-neandrathal he primarily communicates through a grunting and pointing. And when very frustrated, he screams until my ears are bleeding and my eyes are crying.


"Jack - what do you want? Do you want that toy? A bow and arrow to shoot that squirrel? Another bat to beat your sister with? No? Oh!! Oh!!! Milk....You just want milk. Fine. Okay - Here. Please stop screaming now. Go back to hitting your sister."


Because his speaking skills aren't quite up to par with his physical skills, Jack will begin working with a speech therapist today....That is if she can lure him down from the roof.

Jack at his first Speech Therapy Session. 

My Greatest Dream.

Well this time I've really done it. I've rubbed my face off. My upper lip and chin look like my son's skinned knees.

If you recall, I'm a hairy beast. Maintaining a hair-free face takes nearly as much work as raising my kids. As referenced in this post [Curse You Sally Hansen], I've spent most of my life in a futile pursuit to rid myself of unsightly facial hair. I've waxed, plucked and dyed, but when I saw this - I thought, "Hey - Let's give give rubbing a try!"

This "works" by essentially rubbing an emory board over your face.
Clearly desperation has clouded my judgment in regards to reasonable ideas.

BAD BAD move. Shouldn't FDA approval be required to sell such things? Apparently this is a "let the buyer beware" type product.  Well, I now have skid marks on my aching face. Let the eyes of any poor beholder now beware - I look like raw meat.

I've had enough. I need a permanent hair removal solution. I also need cash to pay for it. Make no mistake, I'm hairy AND poor. Since my husband doesn't see the necessity for a permanent hair removal solution (I know, I know, the necessity is all over my face) - I told him not to worry about it. I'll find my own money. 

So, I've set up an Electrolysis Scholarship Fund, of which I will be the first recipient.  I think approximately 20 or so people regularly read this blog, and based on my superior mathematical skills, I figure if they all donate 25 cents…I'll have a $5 to put in my electrolysis fund....well on my way to a hair-free future. 

My greatest dream is that the electrolysis scholarship fund will grow and grow until I can offer permanent hair removal for other discouraged women who have also found themselves disfigured by creams, waxes, and dyes.

Let's all work together and we can put an end to the plight and struggles of hairy women everywhere. 

Sinus Spins

I've really been enjoying the weather. My sinuses, however, long for the winter that really never was. This year winter was mild, but it was just cold enough to keep my allergies at bay.


To make my allergies extra fun this year, I've developed vertigo. I'm stumbling around like a drunk. The world, the horizon, keeps tilting to the right and I keep stumbling left - looking like I just left the bar. I've got the spins but, unfortunately, didn't drink the good time to go with it.


I want to just sit quietly and be alone until the world stops titlting but I've got stuff to do.  Our neighborhood birds must have gotten that stomach bug that was going around, so I have to wash my car.  Since some time had passed since I last took Jack to the car wash, I thought I'd give it another go.

After this experience, poor Jack was traumatized and my head was pounding. I thought maybe we needed a break from each other. 


I was thankful that my monthly Bunco group was meeting that night. Surely no one would think anything out of the ordinary if I was stumbling around as if in a drunken stupor. 


But alas, it wasn't meant to be - my poor head wouldn't stop screaming at me and world was tilting like it was on the verge of some cosmic disaster so I simply took myself to bed. No need to humiliate myself -  if the world was spinning, I needed to be home, warm and cozy in my bed. 


I can surely humiliate myself next month....pending the world is still in its proper place of course.


Spin on spring! Spin on!

A Medley

Wanna know what I've been up to the past two weeks? I've been up to my eyeballs in strep throat and the stomach flu - both of which have made their way through our household. Not a lot of time for blogging as I've been sick and busy working as a vomit cleaner/laundry wench/sanitation engineer and nurse. However, I thought I'd share snippets of some posts I started but never really finished....Hey - something is better than nothing! Yes? 

• Saturday night I woke up to the sound of Hadley screaming in the bathroom. She had thrown up all over the floor. She had almost, almost, made it to the toilet, but alas, almost isn't close enough. The bathroom was a lake of vomit. Seriously, it was a sloshy mess. I stared at it for a few minutes trying to contemplate a way out cleaning it up. Was there any way out of it? Could I just shut the door and pretend it didn't happen? If I stood there long enough, could I wish it away? Could I cover it in newspaper, ala Adam Sandler Big Daddy style? Turns out, no. There is no way out of cleaning up puke. Or perhaps we could move?

• Cameron's doing quite well in re-hab. Thank you for all of your well wishes. We have been encouraged by her progress as she told my mom this weekend, "Grandma, your Diet Coke looks good but I can't have any. They've got me on a program."

• I've taken up sewing and along with it, cussing - a lot. I thought I'd spend my birthday money on a sewing machine and save our family ooodles of money by making my own curtains, pillows, and maybe even some cute dresses for the girls. Tonight as I hung the curtains I had made in our bedroom, Justin layed in the bed and refused to comment or make eye-contact.


ME: Well, what do you think?


JUSTIN: I think they are great!!!!! But what do YOU think?


ME: I KNEW it - you hate them!


JUSTIN: I said they were great - Did you not hear me? Are you insane now?


ME: No, I'm not insane, but you're a liar or you're blind. They're about two feet too short. I know you can see it.


JUSTIN: Did you really want me to point that out to you?


ME: You can really tell??? Oh damn it. You could've lied to me!!!!!


JUSTIN: I'm sleeping in the guestroom tonight.


ME: What???? Why??


JUSTIN: Because the curtains in there are by Martha Stewart.


My quest to be a seemstress has turned me into some sort of irrational lunatic . Hmmm - I'm quite certain Martha Stewart is very misunderstood. 


I realize that I could have finished each of these posts, but I think a medley of ideas will do considering the plagues that have brought forth upon my household. Be well blog readers - spring is near!