Wednesday, July 20, 2011

From the Road....A Breakdown of Order

We were at the end of a thirteen hour journey to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan when there was a complete breakdown of order, bladders and bowels. 

I had to pee so bad that I thought a real accident was imminent, but there was no way in hell I was stopping as I'd rather piss my pants than risk waking the baby. We were about 20 minutes from paradise but apparently to get there, we'd have to go through hell.

Brevort Lake Cabin where we spent the week.
We were almost there when we got word that the cabin wasn't yet ready. The cleaning lady was still cleaning. Hmmmmm - were they kidding? Hell, we'd trash the place in about 30 minutes but anyways.....

We would need to occupy ourselves for an hour. In this area, there is just one restaurant, and Justin and I were pretty certain we could find it as we had eaten there a few times years ago. Except early onset Alzheimers has apparently set in, and we couldn't find it. 

We drove and drove in circles - just long country place to stop and cell phone was like a scary movie. 

Now if you will remember - I had to pee - BAD. So there was no other option - I pulled over and squatted on the side of the road. 

The girls and Justin were laughing so loudly at me that they woke the baby and in my panic to tell them to be quiet, I lost good squatter form and pretty much peed down my leg. Awesome.

So with urine down my leg, I got back in the minivan only to be met with the smell of - you guessed it - poop. The baby had awaken and went about his business. 

So we continued in the minivan (which I'm pretty sure could be classified as a bio-hazard at this point) in search of a restaurant.

We drove back to a small town another 20 minutes away and found a place to eat lunch although I'm pretty sure at this point the cabin was ready. Regardless, we unloaded the kids and I picked the baby up out of his car seat. Something was wet on my hand. I looked down and yes, the baby had blown out his diaper. His business was up to his neck, all down my shirt and his car seat was like a lake of poo. I couldn't carry him into the restaurant as he was - so I got down to business in the parking lot.

Justin was kind enough to help out, I mean, snap this picture while I was
cleaning up the sh*t storm....

Eventually, with me covered in urine and poop, we arrived at the cabin. Yes, this was the life. This was really living.


Dear Luvs Diapers:

You totally suck. 

I took a chance on you and you let me down.

I thought I'd stray from Pampers and save a few bucks but have since concluded that you should not legally be allowed to sell diapers. 

I could sew together some toilet paper and make a better diaper than you. 

Have you ever seen a real baby? Those must be stunt-robot babies in your commercials because you obviously have no idea that real babies shit and the job of the diaper is to contain it.

For putting my baby through the stress and shame of being naked in a parking lot with shit up to his ears, I think you should apologize and maybe think about manufacturing something less complicated than a diaper - maybe something like, um, paperclips. You can sell all of your stunt robot-babies on Ebay - you won't need them for your paperclip commercials.

Abbie Rumbach

1 comment:

  1. The things moms have to go through!

    I totally agree with you on the Luvs! I refused to use them with our second child after I learned the oldest only ever had blow outs in them. There is no elastic in the back at all. Discount store diapers work better than Luvs do. It's kind of sad!