Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Birth Control Mobile

   Mini vans are not cool. No matter how you slice, cut or swagger it, there is nothing hip about a minivan. That being said, I drive one. I was force-fed the Kool-Aid.

   When I was pregnant with Jack, our third, my husband was adament about trading in the Highlander for a Sienna. He wisely waited until I was 9 months pregnant in the middle of August to really push the subject. At that point, all of my energy and focus was not on preparing for the new baby - but on finding different ways to eat salami. So when he brought up the subject of a minivan for the upteenth time, I finally said,
   "Mmm Hmmmm, yeah - get whatever," between bites of a salami, mayo and pickle roll-up.
   Thats how I wound up with a mini - I was in a salami-nitrate haze.

   I was driven to the hospital to have Jack in our Highlander. I was driven home in the "pre-owned but new to us" swagger wagon. I barely noticed. I was in baby bliss and possibly still high from all the medications - I had begged for every drug on the menu. I could have been wheeled home in a Radio Flyer and wouldn't have noticed. However, once the baby powder settled, I looked out the window and screamed to my husband, "JUSTIN!!!! Some middle-aged person with three kids has parked her van in our driveway!!!"

   Of course, I was kidding. I obviously knew we had the van. However, it was weeks before I REALLY knew we had the van. What was he thinking? Did he really want to be have sex with someone who drove a mini-van? He had obviously realized that with a third baby that sex was pretty much out of the question for the forseeable future and just threw caution to the wind when he ordered up that birth-control mobile. Nothing is less sexy than a mini-van.

On a side note - it's worth mentioning that our particular mini-van was pre-owned by a funeral director. Isn't that fantastic? Nothing says nice family vehicle like the image of cremated remains.

I've been driving the mini for about 6 months now and while I don't LOVE it, I can't complain. They are incredibly convenient. I do, however, have one minor problem. I can NEVER find our van in the parking lot after school. I roam around lost in a sea of swagger wagons - pulling on random doors trying to get in. I'm always hitting the unlock button on the keys to try to find our ride, but every other mother lost in the sea of minis is doing the same thing. I'm thinking I need to trick my van out with some sort of miniture stuffed animal on the antenna (perhaps a Garfield) to aleviate this problem.

By now, we've all seen this video - but does it ever really get old? I think not.

And one more - just for fun...

1 comment:

  1. We've resisted, but we only have two kids. Maybe subconsciously, we knew we were only going to have two so that we would never have to become the mini-van people. Once you have 3 though, you really don't have much of a choice unless you are rolling in it and can afford one of the giant tanks.

    Speaking of Garfield, this is awesome and so much more funny than the real Garfield.